I woke up at midnight with a tightness in my chest, grasping for breath. In the dark of the night, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was then I realized my pillow was wet and tear soaked.

As a mom who has stayed home with her babies, waking them up every day and taking care of their needs, this has to be one of the hardest things to do… sending them off, away from home for 7 hours a day, letting someone else take care of their needs. How can she possibly be ready?

How can she be ready to navigate the halls of the big grade school, swarming with other children? How will she find her way to her classroom without me being there to guide her? How can she know how to put her backpack away, take her snack to her desk and follow the order of the day without me there to help her? How can she possibly carry a big heavy tray full of lunch food across the crowded lunchroom without dumping it across the floor? How can she be ready for spelling tests, reading homework and math problems? How can she possibly be ready?

I know I’ve sent other kids off to school and they’ve thrived… but I worry about her so much. I worry that others won’t get and understand her quirky little self. I worry that she’ll be the one on the playground alone or sitting at the lunch table with no one else coming to sit by her. I worry that she just won’t get the school work that she’s given, even though I know she is completely capable. I worry about the kids out there who aren’t so kind… and I worry about her tender heart. She is a beautiful, wonderful, spirited, funny, sweet girl… but what if no one else sees that?

I’m leaving her in the hands of a trusted, loving, incredible teacher and I still worry. What if she can’t do it without me there… which is silly, I know, but how can she possibly be ready?

This is why we do this mothering thing, right? To prepare them for the day when they are pushed a little further and begin to really fly on their own.

But I still grasp at the thought… how can she possibly be ready? I know my heart is not.

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So, when I asked my daughter, who turned 7 today, what she wanted to take to school as her birthday treat for her classmates (mind you, I’m rebelling and ignoring all of the suggestions from the school wellness committee that birthday treats for school be healthy, like apples or smoothies…) she stated “I want a cookie cake!”. A cookie cake….great! I can make a cookie cake. When she got home from school yesterday and I asked if she wanted to help me make her special birthday cookie cake, she said, “No mom… I don’t want one of your cookie cakes. I want a cookie cake from the grocery store! You know? With the really cool pink and blue frosting?”

So, food blogger reputation aside, I hung my head low hoping no blog readers would see me at the bakery of our local grocery store, and my sweet daughter and I picked out store bought cookie cakes for her to share with her classmates.

Now, if I do ever get the privilege of proving to my daughter that I can actually cook, and cookie cakes I make can be just as pretty and delicious as the ones from the grocery store bakery, I have this recipe from Food.com locked and loaded and ready to try. And happy 7th birthday to my sweet, sweet girl, Kelly. You are truly a ray of sunshine in my life and I love you very much, cookie cake defiance and all.

Recipe: Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake from Food.com

1 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
2/3 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups flour, plus
4 tablespoons flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Beat butter and sugars together.
2. Add eggs and vanilla.
3. Mix flour, salt, baking soda, and cream of tartar.
4. Add dry ingredients to the batter and mix until well blended.
5. Stir in chocolate chips.
6. Spread dough into a 15 1/2 inch round pan.
7. Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.

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Why does parenting often result in that crushing, insides crumbling kind of feeling? Jacob starts 1st grade on Monday. Since they have half day Kindergarten, he will soon be heading to school from 9am-4pm… seems like an eternity to me! Conversation today as we were heading to the mall:

Jacob: “Mom, is today a special day?”

Me: “Of course it is a special day today. We all get to hang out together and be together all day long. That always makes for a special day.”

Jacob, in a sassy 1st grade ready voice: “Moooommmmm… that is just like every day of my whole life. What’s so special about that?”

Me, hit by a freight train of emotions and suddenly bursting into tears: “Because, Jacob, when you start school, we won’t get to have every, single day to hang out like this. You’ll be in school.”

Him: “Cool. I guess it is a special day then.”

Oh… little does he know how special of a day it really is to me.

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