A year ago this week, I was sitting in a hospital room next to my brother, just shooting the breeze. I had learned of his diagnosis just a few days earlier, and yet, even though I knew it was cancer, I still felt like everything would be just fine.
Our conversation was so completely normal. We talked a lot about sports, which was something you could talk with Larry about any day, any time. I remember specifically asking him for advice about a baseball situation with Jacob, and I clearly remember his advice. I can’t sit at one of Jacob’s baseball games now without my brothers voice entering into my head.
This couple of hours in the hospital is what I think about when I think back to last summer. I think about our last “real”, normal conversation before cancer took it’s stronghold and quickly took my brother away from his family.
Shooting the breeze, in a hospital room, talking about nothing significant at all. Just stuff.
Sometimes I wish I could re-do that conversation… to say things more meaningful than what I did. I wish I could have told him that I was sorry about a few years before when things were really strained between us…all the hateful things I said to him during that time. I wish I would have told him how proud I was of him… how much I admired how hard he worked to give his family the life they had. I wanted to tell him that I think he turned into the most amazing dad, and along with his wife raised some of the best kids on this planet. I wish I would have told him that I was sorry I didn’t spend more time with him and that even though there were so many years between us, I had a lot of really funny and vivid memories of growing up with him as my brother.
One such memory is cemented in my head like yesterday…it was the middle of the night before Easter, and Larry was so gingerly hiding the Easter eggs, acting as the Easter bunny. I remember him telling my mom he wanted to get it “just so” because I was at a “critical age” and he didn’t want me to stop believing… only what he didn’t know was that I was peeking around the corner watching him the entire time. It was that night that I found out the Easter Bunny wasn’t real… but I didn’t let on. I never shared that story with him because on that day in the hospital and all the other days, we talked about “stuff”. I feel like we went through our whole relationship as brother and sister talking about “stuff”. Shooting the breeze…stuff.
A couple weeks later after that day in the hospital, he had gone down hill significantly, and exactly two months after the “stuff” conversation, he was gone.
Tonight, as I am on a high from a wonderful family weekend yet also in a fog because of the memories I am having from this past summer, I wonder how this past year has changed me. How will I let this change me? My husband and I drove home in silence today… we had over 4 hours of opportunity to talk about more than just stuff, but we were tired and zoned and moving through life with four kids, jobs and a busy calendar.
It’s easy to say “give grace”, “live like there’s no tomorrow”, “tell people you love them” but doing it… moving beyond just “stuff’ is hard sometimes. It takes time, it takes a lot of effort and sometimes it takes a conversation, or lack thereof, to give you that gentle push into reminding you how quickly things can change. Tomorrow is a new day and I want it to be a turning point – a tuning in point – because we never know when there might be another chance to say what we want to say.
Very sad and beautiful at the same time
Thank you.
What a beautiful and thoughtful post.
Thanks so much, Pam. It was one of those “can’t sleep, get up in the middle of the night and just write” kind of things. It felt so much better get it off my heart. Thanks for your comment.
I have chills, Kristen. This is one of the most beautiful, thought-provoking posts I have ever read. It should honestly be nominated for an award.
I am still sad when I think about everything that you went through last year. But, you know what amazes me? The fact that you came out of those experiences, learned so much, and became a happier person in the end.
You are beautiful and wonderful in every single way, and I am truly, truly honored to call you my friend.
You are too sweet, Natalie.
I am having the happiest, most intentional summer and I am really happy that it shows. Feels like night and day from last year – but I do have the last year to thank for that, I know.
Much love!
Oh my, I am tearing up. Very thought provoking! Thanks!
🙂 Didn’t mean to make you get teary. Have a great Monday, Debbi.
Such an important reminder to be truly present in our lives and relationships. I’d like to think I’ve learned to tell those I love how much they mean to me, but it’s so easy to let life get in the way. Thank you for taking the time to post such a personal message, Kristen.
Thanks for sharing yours, as well, Lesley!
Yes.
Kristen, I so regret that when my mom was sick, I didn’t sit down with her and tell her what a wonderful mother she had been. We talked about “stuff.” I think I was scared to admit how sick she was and honestly, I don’t think she wanted to admit it, either. Still, I regret that I only whispered those words to her as she was heading to heaven.
Sending you love.
You know, B…. this brings me so much comfort to read this from you. I know how much you love your mom and how close you were and knowing you struggled with this too makes me feel a bit more normal. I honestly had a thought last night that maybe I’m just shallow… that I can’t move beyond those stuff conversations to things more meaningful?
I said all of those things the night he passed away, (well except for the Easter Bunny story – I really wish I would have told him that) and I know that was enough. I just wish I would have made our conversations more meaningful when they were two-sided versus one. Hugs to you, Bridget!
Sickness hasn’t been in my family since I was a small child. But I know it’s coming. I can only hope that I can handle it with the grace and beauty that you have. I am thinking of you today. Thank you for writing and sharing with us all.
I appreciate your words, Katrina… I know you have grown up with significant loss, and from what you’ve shared with me, I can tell you have touched a lot of people with your story, including me!
Love you sweetie! He knows, I know he does…
Whit
🙂 Thanks, Whit.
I can’t believe it has been a year…
I love the Easter memory…
I go through the same thoughts with the things I wished I had said to my mom.
Sending hugs your way.
I can’t either. I felt that way when your mom was gone a year… seems like it went by so fast (although at times also seems like it was so very long ago).
…..just beautiful!
I’ve had quite a few relatives pass away (parents, brothers, in-laws, etc.) and went through all the emotions associated with losing someone in this world – but over the years the sad thoughts and mourning have lessened. I have come to believe that it is never too late to tell someone all the concerns/thoughts/feelings that were not shared while they were alive….I truly believe they still hear and see us even from afar. You just told your dear Brother how you feel….I’m sure he is nodding and smiling at you and saying “same back to you, Sis”.
You know, Judith… you are so right. Thank you (and *sniff sniff* had to grab a tissue after your comment!)
Oh Kristen! I am so sorry! But at least you have these precious memories! I think we all need a little reminder to treat those “we love”as THOSE we LOVE! And not take them for granted! Thank you for sharong this, its hard to swallow, and even harder to say out loud, but its a very good reminder for me <3
You said it perfectly!!
but in talking about “just stuff” – you got to have your brother with you in your heart & head at all those baseball games… sometimes it’s important to say some big things, but it’s also important to value “just stuff”
You are so right – and that “stuff” is just as important. I totally agree.
My gosh, can you imagine how heavy every conversation would be if it was all about the more serious things in life!
*hugs* I believe he knows exactly how you feel about him, Kristen. I know it’s been a hard year… but I believe wholeheartedly that you will make something positive out of his death. You are such a sweet and caring soul.. just like you talk here about your brother… it’s obvious to all of us out here that you are a wonderful mom and wife and friend. I feel really blessed to have gotten to “know” you through your blog… you’re good people, as my mom would have said.
The year has been hard but it’s gotten easier and I now know a lot more about myself than I ever have before.
You’re good people too, Sherri Jo. Of course, anyone with an Adam a Day photo on Facebook is definitley great people!
I think of you and Larry often. I remember your blog during the hardest part of his journey… I just remember wanting to reach out and hug you.
You are so right though… It’s easy to say those things. What’s not easy is doing it! Thanks for the motivation today… the desire to be the person I want to be. And to be the example my kids needs… it starts now. 🙂
You were there, virtually hugging me throughout it all. I thank you for that!
beautiful and so right. its easy to say things but doing is where it can get hard.
Easier said than done, right?
I can’t believe a year has gone by. Lovely post Kristen. Sending you a big hug.
Seems impossible but it has. It all started a year ago this week. Time flies. And thank you!
beautiful……it’s in those moments, those in the middle of the night moments that the best of us comes to surface…….you made me cry, smile, and think about how very fragile life is. Be proud, this piece of heart written on paper will forever be beautiful, timeless and inspiring.
*this piece of your heart written on paper
Agreed.
Ahhh – thank you. The shower and those nights tossing and turning are where my thoughts tend to spill out!
PS Every time I use the “big” knife in the kitchen I hear chef Ian whispering in my ear 🙂
🙂 Was he a chef, Whit? Or wanted to be? I never knew that about him!
He’d be really proud of all that you do in the kitchen!
Beautiful post Kristen! I was still a fairly new reader of your blog when your family was dealing with this diagnosis, then loss last year. I look forward to your posts. Love the food, but love your heart more.. :).
I just returned from a church youth mission trip to DC. Eye opening to say the least. I will never be the same. Many of the sentiments you express in this post were the same I felt during the trip and still feel now. Prayers for you and his family.
Thanks so much, Jenn. I really appreciate your comment.
Those mission trips are the best… I remember those highs so well and the change that shifted in my soul after each one. You are doing great work – changing the world in a positive way!
Having just lost one of my husband’s oldest friends this past weekend, I can definitely relate to the feelings you talk about. It always seems like we should have done more, loved more, shared more – a facet of our limited existence in God’s limitless creation. hugs and blessings Kristen
We can always do more, can’t we? I wonder if even those people who do more than normal feel the same way?
I am so sorry for your loss. Friends are just like family – blessings to you all as you navigate through the grief and life without your friend.
Actually Kristen, in my experience, the more people do, the more they feel like they aren’t doing enough. In my church there are some people who are just, like, whirlwinds of service – I know I don’t have that level of selflessness in me!
I completely understand the “up in the middle of the night and need to write” feeling. I hope this helped you sort out your complicated thoughts. I, too, have a brother who seems only to converse with me about “stuff” if at all. So with this in mind when I see his youngest graduate this week, I will make an honest effort to tell him how much he matters to me. I’ve done it in writing with no response, but you’ve given me hope. So very sorry for your loss, Kristin. I know a year’s time does little to ease your grief.
I am truly enjoying your intentional summer — your photos and glimpses of fun are truly wonderful and make me smile every single day, so thank you for sharing them.
It sounds like our relationship with our brothers is a lot the same, Kelly. It is so much easier to write, but I know that it will mean so much to him to hear it from you. Even if he doesn’t respond in the way you hope, it will mean a lot. Take the time to say it now… I would if I could.
Hugs to you and thank you so much for your sweet sweet comment. We are having a most wonderful summer and I’m glad that it brings some joy to you!
Thinking of you and sending hugs!
Miss you! Thanks, friend!
Beautifully expressed.
Thanks, Naomi. I need to show you pages from that journal I keep by my bed. The journal that I searched for that brought you into my life 🙂 It has so many of my late night ramblings scribbled into it.
Goodness, that conversation was so long ago! I’d love to see your pages … Hugs to you!
Sending you big hugs Kristen. Thank you for the reminder of what’s truly important.
Thank you, Alysa. You gave me that same reminder last week. Thank YOU for that!
We have to know that we did the best we could with what we had at the time. Death is difficult – I still grieve over the loss of my mother and all the shoulda coulda, wish I wouldas & that was 15 years ago! Same with my only brother’s wife who died from breast cancer at the age of 39. Death is hard, but in the end I can’t help but feel certain that our loved ones knew what was in our hearts. {{{{HUGS}}}}
I am so proud of you! This post is truly worthy of an award! You express so well what I am feeling with regard to Larry. I wish I could have had a conversation with him about all the memories I had of him growing up. I wish I could have said I was sorry he had to walk a mile home in the snow in the first grade because we didn’t balance at the bank and had to stay late. I wish I could have told him how sorry I was when he cut his foot so badly. I wish I had told him how sorry I was that he had to crawl under the house to bring out his dog who had died on the Fourth of July because she was so afraid of the loud noises. I wish I had told him how his smiles brightened my day. He was so smart! I wish I had told him how much I admired the way he handled things as a man and what a great father he was. His teachers all saw the potential in him even in elementary school. He was a good man. I did tell him that! I truly think he is watching over all of us. Hopefully, I will be able to tell him all these things when we meet in the future! He was so cute when he was little and was the ball boy for Mike’s Little League team. His number on the back of his shirt was 1/2. After the games he always ran around the bases and slid into home. I miss him terribly!
Thanks for the reminder Kristen! Thinking of you and sending hugs! xo
Oh Kristen, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve suffered some heart-ache in the last couple years an it really makes you rethink what’s important. …make better decisions with your time.
So beautifully written. You had me in tears. Funny that your blog posts go way beyond “stuff”. Sometimes I guess it’s easier to write what’s in your heart than talk face to face with people. I get it. I am also guilty of that fact. In the future I will try harder to connect face to face with those I love. Thanks for the reminder and I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Beautiful and thought-provoking post, Kristen!
Great post, so thoughtful, genuine and real and not “stuff.” Kristen, being with someone for 4 hours and not needing to talk is a beautiful thing too. I have been married for 36 years — today. And I can say I pressured poor hubby to have deep conversations when he would have preferred the enjoyment of stuff conversations. But to take the time to tell someone what you appreciate about them and are thankful about them? What a wonderful conversation starter! Hubby sent me an email on our 33rd wedding anniversary – it was entitled “33 things I like about you.” Totally fun and full of stuff coated in love! I love that you are wise enough to know the value of loving people verbally as well presence and service. Blessings on your day!
Such a beautiful and touching post. I am truly moved by what you wrote.
This is beautiful Kristen. I am inspired and moved me today. Very thought provoking!
I got tears reading this (I adore the Easter bunny story). How I wish I could go back in time to just simply talk stuff but with more presence with loved ones again….
This is such a beautifully written post, Kristen…. You write, “a tuning in point” — I love that — a great reminder for all to become present, which speaks volumes in its own way; being present says, “I love you, I appreciate you, I’m here.” And I think that having that fun family weekend was definitely a way of saying such things — it was just in a different language, if you will.
Argh, sorry this is all jumbly/rambly, but that happens when my heart is touched so!
Love ya, sweetie.
xo
If this means anything, I first took notice of you when your brother was gravely ill, just before you lost him. Your story haunted me – bittersweet to read your words today. Grief changes, doesn’t it? But it never truly leaves it, nor do we want it to. Some people are so special that they will always stay with us, always. Wishing you strength.
Beautifully written! Just changed my evening plans – Having dinner with my husband tonight, without our four kids. There will be no “stuff” conversation. Making sure I hold him a little closer and tell him how much he means to me. Thank you!
So true. Thank you for sharing this reminder and this story. Thoughts and prayers heading your way from Manhattan.
Such a beautiful post and a reminder we all need to hear. You’re so blessed with your ability to write…and in turn you are blessing so many others. Your brother would be proud. And sometimes, even though we don’t talk about serious stuff, it is still meaningful because it is still time spent together, talking. xoxo
This is such a thoughtful post, Kristen. Even though you didn’t say the words to Larry that you wish you had said, I guarantee that he knew you were proud of him, you were sorry for words previously spoken and that you loved him. He knew that because you sat there with him, talking about sports and whatever else…you don’t do that sort of thing unless you love someone. I’m sending a big hug to you. xo
(((Hugs Kristen)))
A lovely post. I think our life is filled with wanting to do re-dos. It’s a good reminder to really make the most of the moments.
I just love you.
Fifteen years later, I still think of conversations I wish I would have had with my dad. We talked a lot about “stuff” in those last days, but he left me with a reminder to not wait, to do it now. Your post reminded me of those words. Thanks for that.
Beautiful post and such true words! It’s so hard when we all get caught up in life’s busy moments to remember how lucky we all are! Always live each day like it’s your last because as we all know, you just never know! Thanks for the reminder!
You SOOOO deserve the summer you are having this year! What a beautiful and moving post Kristen.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes the grace of life is getting to live in the “stuff.” It is impossible to have every important conversation before it is too late. I imagine you gave your brother very happy moments speaking of the little things–like sports and family and vacations–that make a life one’s own.
I’m so very sorry Kristen. Your words were so touching and thoughtful.
Beautifully written. Regretting what you wish you would have said will probably always be there in the back of your head but I’m sure he’s looking down upon you knowing how you feel, feeling completely at peace himself. So sorry for your loss.
This is such a great post! You are a wonderful sister.
I wish I could say I know exactly how you’re feeling but I can’t, my perspective comes from the other side. I was initially diagnosed with cancer at the age of 34. I was six months out from going through a painful divorce and 1 month into meeting a wonderful man, all while trying to maintain my home and two young children. I went through surgeries, chemo, radiation and all that that entails, all while working.
I was blessed, by my faith, my soul mate-who stood by me, my children, the wonderful medical personnel who treated me and life.
I went on to re-marry, have two more beautiful children and then it hit me again 7 years later. Eleven years on from then I have lost my breasts, but I have gained so much more. Reflection on the past is bittersweet and I hope yours will always be filled with beautiful memories. My Past has gifted me with my Present, I’ll always be forever grateful.
What a beautiful post—thank you for being brave enough to write it! I know all too well what it’s like to wish you took the time to have more meaningful conversations before it was too late. I would do anything to take back the conversations I had the day my brother died…it’s been three years and it’s still so hard.
Thank you for writing this!
This really stuck with me “I wonder how this past year has changed me. How will I let this change me? ” It’s true, we chose to let things change us, either good or bad it doesn’t just happen to us. Thank you for reminding me that we have a choice.
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