Photo by Wrenn Bird Photography
An excerpt of this was originally posted on my personal Facebook (where I received some incredibly, touching support) but it’s been on my mind all day, so I thought I’d share some more thoughts here.
I changed my profile picture today…
The truth is…
Since turning 40, I have gained a ton of weight…and officially weigh more than I did pregnant with any of my four kids. 40 has been so very hard.
Being unhappy with how I look has kept me from attending events, hanging out with friends, having my photo taken. Last year I attended an event an event, and when everyone broke out their cameras, I faked a headache and went up to my room. This year, I didn’t even attend the event, I was so ashamed of myself and how I looked.
It makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being out on the court coaching my kids volleyball teams. In fact, this week when I introduced myself to the parents of the new 3rd grade team I’m coaching, I couldn’t help but think what they were thinking about the size of their new coach. I felt like a fraud.
I know all the tricks and ways to stand to make myself look thinner…but it’s past those tricks working. Even my comfy clothes aren’t so comfy anymore.
It’s crazy how our weight effects every single thing in our life. Every day, multiple times a day, I have this inner dialog with myself about it. And it stinks.
It makes me really detest my job – being surrounded by food every day… and instead of motivating me to get off my ass and do something about it, it makes me want to get in bed, binge watch shows on TV, and eat bread and cheese.
Anyway, I almost didn’t have the wonderful Wrenn Bird Photography take my headshot at ChoppedCon because I am so not in love with myself and how I look right now. But I’m glad she did. It’s given me a starting point for change. It’s been in the works for awhile now, but things must change.
And those, are my deep thoughts for today.
I know I’m not alone… and I know that there are internal qualities that are so much more important. But when you feel crappy about the way you look, it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t matter as much as the kind of person you are. I feel like a broken record because this has been such an ongoing struggle with me. But it’s real. And it’s hard. And I am so so tired of it. And I want to give each of you a big hug who can relate…we’re not in this alone!
Thanks for being there!
I sure can relate. I lost 40 pounds 2 years ago and I’ve put back on about 10 of it and that 40 wasn’t enough to begin with so I really need to take off the 10 I gained plus another 10 or so. All of that is to say that, YES, I understand and YES, I know what the constant struggle feels like. But I also want to say that your value has nothing to do with your size – even when it feels like your size is the only thing that matters. I wish I could go for a walk with you so that we could talk about this.
Isn’t it ceappy that your outside can affect everything else. But the wonderful thing is that you get to wake up tomorrow and decide how you want to continue to live. I love new days and new beginnings. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone in this struggle and you have an entire community around you willing to support you with whatever you decide. I think you look great and congrats on getting the head shot and posting your updated pic. It’s a journey after all’
I know how hard it is; it’s something I’ve struggled with all my life – by which I mean both my weight, and my attitude towards my weight. I know it isn’t the most important thing about me; I know my friends don’t care what I look like since this isn’t high school anymore; I know my husband thinks I’m a stone cold babe, even though what dudes think of my looks isn’t germane to my value at all. But I still look at my legs in the mirror and want to chop them off most days. Our society has done a really good job of hammering it home to women that the less space you take up, the more valuable you are.
I know one more person saying so isn’t going to suddenly change everything, but you have the right to take up space in this world. And you have the right to take up as much space as your body happens to take up, however much that might be at any given time.
You are so not alone. TONS of us struggle with out weight every single day. And, as I work with all men at my day job, it’s just not a woman thing. It’s a society thing, something from the ground up. You look AMAZING at 40, stunning! And I hope no matter what clothes aren’t as comfy you feel amazing. Nothing makes a person more attractive then confidence – no matter what change you make – rock it.
Thanks for posting this!!
You are awesome. You seem like you are a fantastic mother and wife. A fantastic blogger and friend. I love reading your posts and trying your recipes.
I know what it’s like to not love the way you look — I’ve always been overweight. I actually lost about 60 pounds doing Weight Watchers online about 8 years ago or so. I was at just about the perfect weight for my body I think. I felt great, had more energy, and my mom told me that when I was thinner my voice actually sounded different…I sounded really clear and before I lost the weight I always sounded stuffed up. …but then I turned 21, met my now husband, and went out to bars and restaurants a lot. I did NOT make healthy decisions and I gained. Gained it all back. Plus some extra. 🙁
It sucks. It sucks a lot…I won’t say it doesn’t. It’s really hard losing weight…and I’ve found it’s even harder to keep it off. But, if you set your mind to it, I have no doubt you’ll succeed. I found a motivational thing on Pinterest awhile back that says “Losing weight is hard….but so is being fat. Pick your hard.” I think that is so true. I really need to get my *stuff* together and get back on track too. I need to decide that losing weight is going to be my hard from now on…not being fat.
I would really recommend trying Weight Watchers online…it’s nice you don’t have to take the time out of your day to go to meetings or anything and it (at least at the time I did it) was super easy to track what you’ve eaten throughout the day on your computer or phone. It helps you eat what you want — just in correct portions.
Thanks for being so honest with us. I know that probably MOST of your readers can relate!!
Kristen, I can’t even think of words to tell you how much I admire you. You are such an encouragement on so many levels, and many times the words I read on your blog match up to the things I’ve been thinking anyway. I know I’ve never ever thought anything but how beautiful you are!
This brings tears to my eyes. I didn’t get my headshot done for this reason. I have barely lost any weight since the birth of baby #4 at the end of May. I didn’t want a headshot of that Jamie. Seeing your beautiful, radiant photo makes me wish I would have just gone for it. A BIG hug to you!!
You are gorgeous….believe it.
Sorry to hear this is a daily struggle for you, and I can see how being surrounded by delicious food is a terrible job at the moment! You do have the most wonderful warm and smiley eyes though, I have to say.
I know how you feel, but I think you are beautiful in your photo!
Just want you to know I was you 5 years ago. I want you to know every day I got up and the first thing I thought of was “oh God I’m so fat”. Every. Damn. Day. But I finally reached bottom like you and I started counting calories and walking 10 minutes a day cause that’s how out of shape I was. I did that every day. 1,200 calories a day. 9 months later I reached my goal weight of 164 Pounds (I’m 5’8″) with a total of 60 pounds lost. Gone were the feelings of disgust and embarrassment and in came confidence and courage. I tell you this so you know it can be done and done long term. In 2 months I will hit my 5 year maintenance. You just have to want it more than anything…. No one can give you that desire but it’s there, you just have to commit. I’m just a regular homeschooling mom and wife with lots of food issues. Still do. That will always be part of the equation. But I’m not going back to hating myself. Ever.
Kristen, thank you for sharing your story. I don’t comment here often, but I wanted to tell you that you are such an inspiration to me. I sat in your session at BHF in Austin and I thought you were one of the best presenters of the whole trip. I know that not relevant to this situation, but I am glad you shared your story. I know how many of us can relate. I went though a major weight loss over 4 years on weight watchers. In the past year, I have gained about 25% of that back. I am feeling the exact say way. My clothes aren’t comfortable, I haven’t worn jeans in probably a year and I can’t seem to stick to any sort of diet constantly being surrounded by food, especially desserts. I chose to have new head shots for my blog this past month and most of the shots I chose, I was hidden behind the counter, hoping to disguise myself. I am very happy with how the photos came out, but I can’t help to help what others are thinking. I think it is important to try and not focus too much on your weight, but think about the other joys in your life. Our body goes through different stages in life, and sometime there simply isn’t much you can do about it. The only thing you can do it own it. I know you can own it.
OMG! You looks fabulous! BUT, I know where you are coming from. I am 57 and I weigh more now than ever! In college…or even high school…I THOUGHT I was fat…compared to now I would be happy to be that “fat” again….I could lose HALF my weigh and still be 50 OVER what I was then….and I have no “kids” to blame! We all know how to and what to do…it’s a matter of “motivation” …I’ll get mine someday…I hate the way I am…but I would kill to look like YOU! Don’t be hard on yourself!
I fully understand everything that you’ve said. Change if it makes you happy, but I am sure the people around you think you are beautiful and do not notice the flaws the way you do. Life is way too short not to live it. I think you look gorgeous!
you are so beautiful!! i have been struggling with weight issues my whole life and it’s just not fair. it’s part of who i am , i guess; but in the past few months i have learned to accept that the number on the scale does not define me. the tag on my clothes does not define me. i define me, just like you define you. sending you big hugs from jersey.
Hugs back lady! Weight makes such a difference to your self-esteem and confidence, even if you know you’re still the same person underneath. I’m in the same situation at the moment and it sucks. I try to think of it like eating healthfully (including an odd treat) and making time for exercise is looking after and loving yourself and everyone deserves that.
Kristen, you are such a beautiful lady. I know we don’t know each other other than online but through your writing I can see that you are also beautiful inside as well. You are describing feelings that so many women feel. Weight gain and the internal dialog we go through because of it is awful. I’ve been there – I am there. With all but 1 of my 5 children, the weight came off quickly but with the last one (who’s now 13), I’m still hanging on to some of the weight and it’s intensely frustrating. I never weigh myself because it would set me into a deep depression because the number won’t be “right”, instead I go by the feel of my clothes. Our bodies change as we age. I’m 48 and am finally at a point where I know I won’t be as thin as I was before kids and I’m learning to be okay with that. Being healthy is what’s important. Know that you aren’t alone in your struggle. Hugs!
THANK you so much for sharing this. I could have written every one of those words myself so YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am working in my insides as well as my outsides but it is a tough road. BUT KNOW that we are all in this together and we can do it!
Kristen, you are so beautiful inside and out. Your feelings are so real, legit, and no matter what our sizes, every woman that I know struggles with weight and discipline of eating. I read Lisa T. book a long time ago that was awesome … Crave. It showed me a lot about myself and my relationship with food and my inner core of contentment. That said, you can be the most disciplined person in the world and still struggle in different areas, whether eating, gossiping, contentment, jealousy, … the list goes on and on for women. I admire who YOU are so much. Thank you for your gift of friendship to me, your help, love, advice, sharing. I’ve watched you over the years pour out your life to those around you-it’s admirable, encouraging, and contagious! Thank you for your authenticity today!
Every single word of this post could have been written by me as well, Kristen. (right to that 40 lb gain) My inner dialogue hit bottom at the end of last year and 2014 has been a long year of off and on calorie counting and exercise. There just doesn’t seem to be a way around that for me. If I am not mentally present with every bite I eat, I over-eat. Period. I’m down almost 20, but still a ways off from where I’ll feel healthy again. I’m not obsessing, but I’m reminding myself daily that a lb a month lost will eventually get me closer to healthy and a lb a month gain will not. Like Sandy, I’ve watched you over time as you give of yourself to everyone around you. You are in inspiration and a joy to have in my life. You are beautiful, my friend and we are on this path together.
You are definitely not alone. You just had the guts to put it out there for the rest of us to read. There are times when I don’t want to meet up with friends or get ready for date night because I’m not happy with the way the clothes feel on.
I am 42 and I could have written this exact post. Word for word. (except I only have 3 kids and I don’t coach volleyball). It is all consuming. Except when you are hungry. 🙁 I’m with you. I’m cheering for you. I’m wishing you success, peace, and ultimate happiness!
You’re so brave and you will be supported!! It’s only the beginning 🙂
These are the bravest, most honest words I’ve come across in a while. Or maybe it’s just because the resonate. I’ve been there. I gave up—bought a new wardrobe (that I hated)—I accepted that I was going to look a way that I hated forever. Or so I thought. One day I just decided to start WeightWatchers even though I was convinced it could never work given my work. I did work. 1 lost 20 lbs. I’ve since gained 5 back. Now I’m struggling again (damn winter stews and bad weather, my favorite excuse not to exercise). I wish I knew what clicked for me so that I could share it. I have a feeling you don’t need it, though—your honestly with yourself and to us seems to me a way that you might be looking for accountability. If there’s anything I’ve gotten out of my journey, it’s that honesty and accountability are where it’s at.
Anyway, my journey hardly matters (and I didn’t mention WW as a way of promoting them—I just mention it as what worked for me)—I guess sharing a tiny bit of it was my way of saying YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It’s hard and emotional and scary and I get it. So many others do, too.
PS: You look awesome in that photo.
You. Are. BEAUTIFUL.
You are beautiful, inside and out, never forget that.
Dearest Kristen, I too struggle with so much of this and yet, during a year of physical challenges, I have learned so much about grace and kindness — to myself. I grant it to others without question, but to myself, the inner dialogue is ugly and bitter and hurtful, and this is what I’ve been working on. On loving, on living, on sharing my spirit and hope — on knowing that the voice is not me, is not speaking truth, is not an accurate reflection of what others see of me. We are so much more than our perceptions of ourselves. I wish you the greatest joy, the greatest hope and the greatest strength to see what your children, your family and friends see in you, and to not listen to that dialogue, to just have faith and live and laugh and share you. Biggest hugs and best always.
Oh friend, I don’t know anyone who *can’t* relate. Jacob is turning one next week and I’m 10 pounds heavier than I was on Asher’s first birthday. I can’t believe how much harder it has been to lose weight this second time around and it’s beyond vanity, I simply need to fit into my winter clothes. I’m talking size 10 and 12s, not 2s and 4s. It’s a daily, constant fight and if I can ever help support you, cheer you or motivate you in any way possible, please reach out. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that it takes a village and the only way I’ve been able to achieve any weight loss success is due to the people who surrounded me and cheered me along this long, daily journey towards making healthier choices. I love you and am so inspired by you inside and out.
Thank you for sharing with us. I could have easily written this post. It’s hard……I even TEACH fitness classes. But….we go on. You are gorgeous…..so just find me at the next event and we’ll stand next to each other!
Oh Kristen, I can relate to this so much. (And for the record, I think you’re gorgeous in that photo, even if you do weigh more than you’d like to.)
Having a food-related job just makes this struggle so much harder, and even at the times when I feel like my weight is in control, I get so tired of having to always think about what I am eating. I know for me, more exercise is the key, and I’m working hard on committing to that (and enjoying it) right now.
Hang in there! Big hug.
Oh, Kristen, I have to tell you I agree with other folks here and I think you’re beautiful! Of course, I also know how that feels to hear people say that when I don’t FEEL it. I’m kind of kicking myself right now because I read this book about how important it is to listen to your body and to not count calories but eat whatever you want. Sad to say it was the last part of that statement that stuck in my head. So I’ve been eating too much lately and I feel it. My jeans are uncomfortably tight and I hate that. I have so many cute clothes and I just run around in my yoga pants with baggy shirts. I’m just saying I know how you feel. Isn’t it funny when we put ourselves first and we stay committed to a healthy eating program how much better it feels to be in charge of ourselves? And yet we give in to being victims to food. At least that’s how I feel.
Anyway, I just want you to know that you have always been supportive when I’ve come to you with questions or whatever. And I know you do that with SO many people. It’s something I really admire about you. If there’s ever anything I can do for you – maybe come grab you and go get coffee or go for a walk – let me know. I’m here for you! And if it’s not in person just know I’m sending you positive vibes and happy thoughts. The one thing I’m doing is focusing on the book you gave us at ChoppedCon and it has really been helping to think about the things that make me happy. For example, today I put away my business podcasts that I listen to while I’m shooting and instead? I put on some James Taylor. Man, that stuff makes me happy for sure!!! Thanks to you. xoxoxo!
Oh wait. I also wanted to add that the other thing I’m doing is I’m writing down what I eat. I’ve just decided I’m one of those people that need that structure. I’m not going to fret about it. I have a cool app on my phone and I just track what I eat and it helps. Ok. Hugs to you!
This was me *exactly* 8 months ago. I had a breakdown-ugly-cry in the middle of my kitchen over this very topic. I was heavier than I was 9mons pregnant with my 2nd kid, I was wearing a size I had never purchased before, it was bad. Kudos for starting back up with WW. It gets better! Find what works for you and stick with it! For me it’s strength training- it’s a stress reliever and I’ve lost a ton of inches. I’m finally getting to the point where clothes shopping is almost fun again and I don’t hide from pictures! The food/nutrition side is a million times harder for me than the exercise. You are so worth it though!!