Hello! I’ve been meaning to write you for quite some time to share a little bit about what’s happening around here. There’s so much I want to tell you about, but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible so not to take up too much of your day.
I’m just going to come right out with it…this past year or so has been a difficult one for me when it comes to blogging. About 5 years ago (coincidentally right around the time my brother passed away), I noticed a shift in my brain. I began having trouble focusing and following through on things or even really caring much about things I formerly cared a lot about. As a former Type A, get stuff done, kind of person, this shift was really hard for me to deal with. I’m not sure if it was the grief, getting older, hormones, or what but there was a definite change I had a hard time dealing with.
A couple of years ago I attributed it to hormones, had a comprehensive blood work panel done and discovered my hormones were really out of whack. My doctor started me on Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy as well as put me on Zoloft (which I guess is a combination that can help with focus and increasing mental capacity). The Zoloft made me a bit of a zombie (I didn’t shed one single tear watching A Dog’s Purpose which I feel like was pretty much impossible to do). The HRT made me break out in horrible cystic type acne and I feel like made me a little crazy. Neither one seemed to help with my focus and drive. I stayed on Zoloft for about 3 months and did HRT for 10 months before tapering off.
In the meantime , I’ve continued to struggle. Sitting down at the computer and writing, checking and responding to emails and more gives me a strange kind of anxiety. In addition, you all know how much I love to read, right? Well, I can’t read well anymore. I sit down to read a book and find myself reading the same page over and over and over. As someone who loves to read soooooo much, this was my final straw. I have an appointment on June 4th with a Cognitive Behavior Therapist and cannot wait. I really hope she can help me to get my brain back because I miss reading, writing and connecting with you all.
Anyway, I know it may sound like I’m depressed or not happy and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I feel more balanced and content than I have in a long time. Not being able to focus, read and write is making me depressed, but I wouldn’t say overall I’m depressed.
It’s making me sad that I can’t seem to devote the time I want to to this space, but after reading my friend Julie’s blog post about The State of Blogging, it became really clear to me what part of my problem was. I started this blog 12 years ago as a way to connect with people. As a stay at home mom, I loved the interaction you and I used to have after I’d write a blog post. My writing was a lot more fun back then…there wasn’t SEO to worry about, plugins to make sure our blog posts had “just the right amount of words”, pretty perfect Pinterest pictures to worry about, etc. Now when I sit down I feel like there is a checklist 100 miles long I have to go through before even hitting publish. That’s where my anxiety is coming from…my thoughts are that if I can’t write an SEO, Pinterest perfect, google happy blog post, then why bother? Luckily in this past week I realized these thoughts are trash and I’m going to stop punishing myself by NOT writing a perfect post. I’m just going to write, to you, my friend and work on connecting with you again the way we used to.
Things in my family have changed so much over the past 12 years and this stage of life is really a lot more fun than I ever expected. I can’t wait to tell you about how life is going, more often. My kids are now 16 (and 6’3″!!), 14, 11 and 8. I’ve been cooking so many great things but again, haven’t shared them because they weren’t “pinterest perfect”. Pinterest, SEO and all that is taking a back seat and CONNECTION is now the driver. I hope through these letters we can get to know each other again.
Thanks for reading and write back when you can.