I was sitting at my kitchen table on a Sunday morning, reading the newspaper and drinking my coffee. It was a quiet morning, the kind I absolutely love. I felt happy and loved, but overshadowing this feeling was a simmering feeling of discontent. I couldn’t put my finger on where that feeling was coming from, because on the surface everything seemed perfectly fine.
A few minutes passed and I decided to pick up my phone and check Facebook. The first thing I noticed was a status update from my best childhood friend, Julie. She currently lives in Georgia, but I noticed that her update said she was driving home to visit her parents in our hometown. Our hometown of Altamont, KS was 2 1/2 hours from my house. I hadn’t been back since my high school reunion many years prior.
As I was sitting there, a sudden feeling washed over me…one I couldn’t ignore. I needed to go home, and I needed to visit Julie. My week ahead was a busy one, but I knew I had to find time to make the trip home, even if it was for just a quick lunch and hello.
Since moving to Georgia 20+ years ago, Julie has been home many times. However, would you like to know the number of times I’ve made the trip back to specifically see her when she’s visiting Altamont? Less than 5. That’s pathetic.
I immediately sent Julie a text asking if she was busy on Tuesday and if not, would she be free for lunch? I had to be back in time to pick up the kids from school, but if I left as soon as I dropped them off, I’d have time for a 2 hour or so visit. She said yes and we solidified our plans.
Monday evening rolled around and as I always do, I started to second guess my choice. Not because I wasn’t so excited to see my friend, but because that feeling of self doubt and anxiety started to creep in. I had a ton of work to do, I needed to pay bills…was driving all that way really worth a 2 hour visit? Within a minute of that feeling coming over me, I received a text from Julie that her dad had been admitted to the hospital. My second set of parents growing up…her dad who has been battling Alzheimer’s for the past ten years had gone significantly down hill in the past few days. Things weren’t looking good. I shut the voices down in my head and decided I would show up the next day… no matter what. I wanted to see my friend and I wanted to visit my second family. I’ve failed at showing up so many times in the past, but this wasn’t going to be one of those times.
Julie and I had a wonderful visit…it felt so good to be home. I arranged for a friend to pick up my kids for me from school and Nick took care of evening activities. I stayed at Julie’s parents house for awhile and then we went and stayed at the hospital with her parents. I left after dark, filled to the brim with love and thankfulness for these people in my life.
How much would I have missed had I not shown up on that day? I would have missed the opportunity to re-connect with a really, dear friend. I would have missed an opportunity to hug and comfort my second mom. I would have missed the opportunity to hold Julie’s dads hand, chatting and comforting him during a really scary time. I would have missed the opportunity for my heart to feel that feeling that only comes when you go home.
There are so many times in my life where I’ve talked myself out of showing up. It might be a party invitation that I RSVP yes for, then last minute make an excuse to not show up. It might be that time when I think about calling someone to go out for coffee, then decide I’m “too busy” and never call. How about that time I wanted to send someone a gift, yet making it to the post office to ship it seemed like too much of an effort. Not showing up has happened too many times in my life…but it’s time to change that.
I turned 43 this week, and like every October 5th, I started my birthday new year by setting goals and intentions. This year my intention is simple. I’m going to “Show Up”. For my friends, for my family and for my community. I know that there will never, ever be a time I regret showing up in life. However, not showing up? I have deep regrets about making that choice over the years.
So here’s my promise to myself…43 will be my year to show up. I started this past weekend when my Aunt Rose asked if we could come visit. It’s a 7 hour drive each way and our week had been so busy, but I said yes…and didn’t regret it one bit. We had the best, most relaxing and rejuvenating weekend. Even the drive there and back was a welcome respite (and provided ample time to listen to a really great audio book).
Here are some ways I’ll show up this year:
- Reach out to family and friends via phone and letters. Make an effort to connect with people I love and cherish, any way I can.
- Call that friend up for coffee or lunch. Then follow through and go – no excuses.
- Travel to visit family and friends. Life is short – you never know when you may not get that chance to hug someone in person again.
- Focus on being more present, whether out and about or at home. It does me no good to show up, but not be mentally present.
- Volunteer more – as much as I can, show up for my community. We’re all busy, but showing up can make a significant impact to an organization or person in need.
- Set goals to leave the house at least twice a week to connect with friends or family. Maybe even more lunch outings with my husband over his lunch hour. Showing up can be with immediate family too!
- Say yes more often to my kids when they want more one on one time or to do a special activity.
- Show up for you, my friends and readers. Write more, share more, show up on the blog more.
- Visit friends in the hospital, go to the funerals, hug those who are sad.
Do you struggle with showing up? Do you let anxiety or that nagging voice keep you from doing the things you’ve committed to or want to do? Will you join me in my effort to show up? I know if we do this together, we won’t regret it. We’ll never regret showing up in life, right? Let’s do this, friends.
I have a hard time with this too, sometimes. I love your intention for this upcoming year. You are an inspiration, Kristen.
So heart warming my friend! It appears that we have been on the same path and I have worked myself into a similiar place. Promise me that we will get together next week for lunch? Text me on my mobile 913.226.9277…you inspire me and I would love to have you in my world!
Excellent! Totally needed this encouragement right now.
Can’t wait to “show up” and see you soon!!!
What a wonderful idea! I love your goals. I’ve become discouraged about showing up though, because my fibromyalgia and chronic migraines keep causing me to cancel plans with family and friends every time I make them.And it gets really lonely, because I can’t work, and all of my friends are so busy with their jobs and kids they never have time anymore to talk on the phone.
Sheesh, I didn’t mean t be such a downer! It’s just that your post really got me thinking…Your post is so on target, and once I start feeling better I may steal some of your goals 🙂 And in the meantime, there is always the mail. I think people still love to get notes and letters, even in this internet age.
Oh that’s so hard, friend. What a horrible disease fibromyalgia is. I’m so sorry. I wish I had answers for you. I’m sorry 🙁
Definitely struggle with this sometimes. Sometimes I make plans and just get to tired or bogged down with work and taking care of the toddler.
Love this! You can show up at our house anytime:) Happy Birthday!I hope it is a wonderful year!
This is such a great reminder for me. It is SO easy to be “too tired” or “too busy,” but like you said..I never regrets showing up afterward. Thank you for sharing this!!
I totally agree with this! I’ve learned throughout the years to show up and it’s left me so thankfull in my heart that I showed up in planned or spontaneously and never have regretted it.
My deal is when I expect others to show up and they’ve failed me. Being a human it’s hard and I can take it personally but thankful that through my Lord Jesus , I can forgive them an myself for expecting them to show up . Yep, I’m a work in progress !
Love you to pieces. This is just what I needed. Hope this year is the best ever for you!
What a lovely essay and reminder. A lot of what you said resonated with me – how the “shoulds” start popping into your head and psyching you out of meaningful connections. Thank you!
This really really spoke to me. I many many many times don’t show up….and I mean that literally and emotionally. I deal with (on my own due to my extreme shame) with social anxiety and awkwardness. The worst is that I’m a great ER nurse….who can show up for strangers all the time…..but when it comes to those I love….I freeze with the fear that I will say/do the wrong thing and not be “perfect”. I
I am going to sit and digest this amazing read for awhile, and then hopefully will have the strength to make some changes. Thank you for writing this.
Love this Kristen!! Life gets in the way and it’s hard sometimes to “show up”. Great reminder for us all.
Oh, it’s like we are in tune these days! I am struggling with making time for everything too and started trying to get back to a weekly schedule of doing something with people. Showing up is such a great motto and I’m so proud of you for making that trip!! xoxo
This was so beautifully said. So many times I have let myself get too busy to feel able to show up. This goal will help to eliminate the excuses I make to myself about that. Thank you so much for sharing this story.
This post is definitely one I will ‘Pin’ and re-read. Too often I will avoid ‘being present’ because I am not at my ‘perfect self’ or other ‘stupid’ reasons.
As someone who recently moved across the county and now has most loved ones out of town, I want to share how I have decided to handle funerals. When I moved I had to leave a friend, now 88, who became like a mother to me. While I know her children, it’s more important for me to spend the money now to see her while she is alive than spend it to attend her funeral. So, in January, we are taking the kids out of school and flying back to see her and all our old friends. Sadly, due to the expense, this will probably be the last time my children will see her. In summary, when thinking of loved ones, especially the elderly, if those left behind are important people in your life than attending the funeral is a good idea, but if your relationship is more about the deceased, then spend the money to be with them before they pass away instead of spending it to go to their funeral
Sorry for the somewhat morbid post ;/
I’m so glad you shared this perspective. I’m first of all, so sorry to hear about your friend. I agree that what you are doing is right. Funerals are for the living…but if your main focus is to invest time in your friend WHILE she’s still alive, I think that’s amazing and love the perspective. I hope you have a wonderful trip back home. I’m sure it won’t be easy but I bet it will mean the world to her to have you there. Much love!
I knew there was a reason we became friends at Chopped. This meant so much to me, if nothing else than to know I’m not alone in having not shown up for so much of my life. This is a tide that’s slowly changing for me, and this just inspires me to keep that momentum going. Much love to you! Thanks for sharing this.
Absolutely love this. This is what I pledged after Holly passed. I missed so many things with the excuse that I couldn’t leave Holly when really it was me just talking myself out of things.
In a blog-world where everyone seems to write things about “it’s ok to say no, it’s ok to not stretch yourself so thinly,” this is a welcome respite. I think there is a fine line and you address it perfectly. It matters where you put your time.
Wow!! You put into eloquent words what I have been thinking and feeling for such a long time. I’ve been this way for so long I forgot what it was like to show up. I kept saying I needed to see my aunts and uncles becsure they were the last contact I have with my father and could find out more about his childhood. They passed before I could “show up”. My best friend passed in an auto accident and that week before her accident I had said to myself that I wanted to go see her that upcoming weekend specifically Sunday. I didn’t make that call and she died in an auto accident that Sunday. I will be 51 this year. My house is cluttered and that weighs on my shoulders as an excuse to not “show up”! That stops today. Thank you so much Kristen for letting me and others know that we aren’t alone feeling this way. And I am so glad you showed up for your friend and her parents. Prayers to them. Much love and gratitude ~ Kasey
So much of this describes me. Yay for showing up! Thank you for putting yourself out there so openly here, too. It is so encouraging.
I feel the same way as you a lot of the time but for the past few years I have been putting myself out there and it has changed my life for the better. Keep it up and follow through. Your comment about not knowing if you’ll get to hug a friend or family member in person hit home for me over the course of last year. My husband and I showed up for the last 30 years to an annual cookout and as my relatives got older we didn’t know who would be there each year. We are both so thankful that we’ve taken the time to go and visit as we lost an aunt an uncle within six months of each other. Because we were all at the cookout we were able to hug each of them one last time.
I read this long ago when you posted it but tonight I had to dig it up in the archives and re-read it. I remembered how much it struck me and I really wanted this reminder. Thank you Kristen <3
that was very touching, thanks for sharing 🙂