As many of you know, my brother passed away this past August from a brief battle with cancer. I’ve said a few times on my blog how surprised I was that his passing hit me so hard. What I didn’t tell you is that for a few months, I believe I was quite depressed.
I’ve suffered postpartum depression before, but in the months following my brothers passing I experienced a range of emotions I had never felt so deeply in my life. I was in a fog, crying on a whim, blowing up at situations that normally wouldn’t bother me, isolating people around me, not responding to deadlines, ignoring important emails, letting bills pile up, not answering the phone and pretty much expecting my kids to fend for themselves on mornings before school. At one point I was alone in my car after an extremely tough day and the temptation to just drive and keep driving away from everything hit me so hard, I had to pull over and get a grip.
Outwardly, I tried to put on a happy face… talking myself into believing I was alright, that I could put on a front and people wouldn’t know anything was wrong. I hid behind a facade of contentment… or at least I thought I did.
So many of you sent me cards, emails, tweets, facebook messages, phone calls, etc during that time. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated each and every hand of kindness that was extended to me. There was one card though, sent to me exactly two months after my brother died, that woke me up and essentially pulled me through what was a very dark time in my life.
The card was from a reader named Dana. Among other things, Dana wrote:
“I am writing to you because in many of your recent posts I can hear the pain and grief that you are going through right now. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I am praying for you. Your blog really inspired me during a rough patch that I went through and I have always wanted to thank you for that.”
In addition, there was a quote:
Dana’s card, thoughtfully sent to me with words that truly hit home, is one of the things that helped me get through a dark time in my life. The timing of it arriving in my mailbox was such a gift… it was exactly what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.
I sat down this weekend to finally write Dana back and to tell her how much her kindness, her words and her thoughts impacted my life. Because of her, I soon realized I wasn’t fooling anyone and was then able to come to terms with my thoughts and emotions head on instead of trying to suffer behind them.
I’m happy to say I’m fine now… there are times every day where my heart hurts and tears sting my eyes, but I can say that I am honestly able to see the light now instead of the darkness.
If there is someone on your mind…someone you have been thinking about and meaning to reach out to, I urge you to do so. Tell them what is on your mind through a card. You never know how life changing it can be.
I’m honored to be partnering with Hallmark in 2012 as part of their “Life Is a Special Occasion” campaign. As always, all opinions are my own.
Beautiful.
Dana is a treasure. I hope her friends know that!
She certainly is!
Kristen I am so sorry to know that you were suffering so deeply but proud that you took action and have the courage to talk about this…and bless Dana’s heart, and everyone’s, who reaches out to another in a time of need.
xo
Her actions and the actions of so many others have taught me the importance of reaching out… how many times do I think I should and then don’t? Now, I just do it!
A thoughtful gesture from a stranger is truly a beautiful thing and can remind of us of all the good in life we forget when we are suffering. We all need to remember that when we see others suffering because we will need the kindness of strangers at some point in our own lives.
Absoultely… you never know what kind of impact your actions can have on someone else!
I’ve followed your blog for a very long time and just wanted to thank you for sharing this beautiful post. It’s often easy to *think* that we’re fooling our friends and family by acting ok, but others’ intuition always prevails 🙂 Wishing you a beautiful new week! xoxox
Thank you so much, Lilly!
Kristin, this was such an incredibly moving post, and I know it is going to help and inspire so many people who are struggling with hard things in their lives. Thank you for this, and my heart and my prayers are with you.
I appreciate it so much, Kate. Thank you!
Kristen, this post was wonderful in so many ways. Dana’s letter came exactly when you needed it…and I am so pleased to read you are back on track and feeling so much better.
Thank you for sharing this with us….no doubt it will help others who need to be encouraged right now.
The timing of her card was such a gift. Thanks for your kind thoughts and words, Barbara!
Oh Kristen, this post brought a tear to my eye. I lost my mother 20 years ago and still cry now and then, so I understand your pain. But even more recently I went through a similar depression (details I told you about privately) that I was afraid I wouldn’t get out of. But things have improved greatly and I am so happy to hear that Dana’s letter was what did it for you. Sometimes it’s just the small things, but God has a way of pointing them out when they are most needed. Hugs to you my friend.
Oh Amanda, I know you know what kind of darkness this is. I’m so glad that things are on the upswing for you as well. I appreciate you!
So well said, Kristen. Thanks for sharing.
Just beautiful, Kristen. I love your honesty, and I know that your words will help so many others who are struggling with similar thoughts and emotions. When we talked on the phone the other day, and you shared your grief with me, it was so hard to hear that my dear, sweet friend had been silently hurting. You are an inspiration to moms everywhere, Kristen. Thank you for being you! Love and hugs are being sent your way today…and every day.
So thankful for people like Dana, who reach out offer a word or a prayer when its most needed. And thank you for the reminded of just how important it is to do that… I think I will try and BE a blessing today instead of seeking to be blessed!
We all handle grief differently and almost everyone has had a tough experience dealing with death, be it a family member, a friend, a co worker, a neighbor, a beloved pet, or the death of a solider one doesn’t even know. The strength to go on and continue comes from a deep religious belief, whatever your belief or religion is. I often tell people who have never experienced grief or complain about the weather, a job or just life in general, to go visit a cancer ward in any children’s hospital and trust me, it will change your attitude (well at least I hope it would). Life is precious, life is short and one never knows when he/she or a close loved one will be gone. So just do the very best you can each day and don’t try to figure it all out. I’m a Christian and I know I can’t handle all of my worries and concerns and fears so I share them with him and ask him to help point me in the right direction and as always, he does. Just trust your faith, he’ll know what to do.
Debbie Jean – my heart felt thanks for sharing your thoughts – truly beautiful and truthful. I have a Wall of Widsom where I print out inspirational thoughts to post – today, yours was printed out and posted.
Your comment will be my daily reminder.
Beautiful post and so spot-on. After our loss, we received so many loving cards, emails, phone calls, meals and visits, but it was the unexpected notes and gestures, months after R’s death that touched us more deeply than others. Grief is never linear and it’s in those later weeks and months (and years!) that we still need the comfort of friends and family. I’m glad you’re doing better.
Be well and be gentle with yourself.
Les
Absolutely beautiful post, Kristen. Thank you for sharing your heart! xo
If it’s the Dana that I know, and the fact that she reached out tells me it is, she is truly a gift from God. A very special woman that you are lucky to have in your life.
Your post is a great reminder to all of us to act on that litttle voice that tells you to reach out to that person you’re thinking about. Don’t wait, do it.
I keep thinking about someone I haven’t seen in years and I am going to send her a card today.
Sadly, we all experience grief in our lives and have to go through the process that comes with it. Blessings to you and your family Kristen.
What a wonderful verse. I’ve heard it before but I always seem to forget when I most need to remember it. I think I’ll write it on a slip of paper and put it in my wallet today. I’ll never be without the reminder from now on.
Bless you for sharing your story. You will undoubtedly help many many people.
I read this with tears in my eyes. I, too, have been struggling with Larry’s death. I told Dad the other day that I didn’t think I was over it yet. He said who says you have to be. You can’t turn grief on and off. Now I am wishing I had the right words to help my family, but I don’t. I know where he is, I know our bodies are just homes for our spirits and I know God is watching over us, but I don’t want anyone else in my family to die before me.
Love to you both…It’s been almost 9 years since I lost my brother. It never gets better but it DOES get DIFFERENT. Most days that’s enough.
Oh I love this!
Kristen thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so grateful for the Dana’s in the world. Just knowing that someone is thinking about you and knows that you’re not ok when you’re pretending that you are is such a beautiful thing.
One of my goals this year is to be more aware of others and act on my instincts to do small acts of service that might lift their burden. I know there have been many times where I was screaming inside while smiling outside and in need of someone to notice, listen, ask how I was REALLY doing or offer an act of service and I didn’t receive. I know how much that hurts to just blend into the background and I don’t want other to feel that way because I’m so wrapped up in my own life.
So glad you had the support and love from Dana and I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling better. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
Kristen, I am so sorry to hear about your suffering. I know how hard it can be when you’re sad and having to be the glue that holds the family together, gets the kids to school, gets the food made and the homework done…it’s a lot to handle.
I’m so grateful that you have such kind and loving readers to help you. Obviously they see what I already know–that you are an amazing woman!!
xoxo
What a gift you received from Dana. I’m so sorry you have felt such suffering, but thank you for sharing your experience-I bet you will help others.
I am so sorry for your loss, Kristen (my twin brother lost a kidney to cancer) thank you so much for sharing your story and, well, for continuing to inspire your readers including your newest fan (me!)
Just hearing or reading words someone else has shared can often open our eyes. You share so much of yourself here, and I know I do appreciate your openness and honesty. As a mom, we all feel that we can’t ‘fall apart’ because everyone depends on us… but we also have to take care of ourselves and our emotions. I’m thinking of you!
Kristen, when my Momma passed away over 10 years ago, I went through the “dark” period also and it was a struggle. However, leaning on my Faith, the support of my husband, I survived. Yes, there are still times when thoughts of her make me sad and teary eyed, but I know she raised me right and taught me by her actions how to be strong; so I honor her by living in the Light and not the darkness. You will learn that Time will be one your best friends and eventually everything will seem brighter again.
Oh, so beautiful. I love when you talk about the timing of it appearing in your mailbox. There really are no coincidences, are there?
Hugs..
Well written, thank you! Having lost two sisters a few years ago, I know that the pain will always be there, but agree that people and things can heal and help us carry on. God bless!
I too, have had loss in the past few years. It’s unexpected how the grief overwhelms you and takes over. I am so glad to hear that you are lifting yourself out of this dark place, Kristen. I does come and go, but there is nothing more powerful than the initial grief – after the shock. Thanks for sharing this, being vulnerable, and for your honesty! xx
I’m sorry you have been struggling. I know that losing a loved one can be very difficult. It has been over 10 years since my brother died and there is still sometimes pain, but the first year was the worst.
I am glad that you received what you needed to help bring you out of the fog. I pray that you will continue to receive strength when you need it!
Kristen…..my heart goes out to you, and I’m inspired by the strength you had to share. Wonderful how the right words arrived at the right time.
Thank you for sharing the less than picture-perfect parts of your life with us. So few are willing to do that. It shows what courage and depth of character you have and why your readers love you. The kindness of strangers (or almost strangers) has always amazed me. Sometimes they can break through where your loved ones just aren’t able to. I’m so glad that Dana’s message found you when you needed it.
People should never under estimate the power of a hand written letter or card. If someone is even slightly doubting sending a short note to someone, just do it! It makes such a difference! Thank you for sharing.
Grief is such a hard thing to go through. Thankfully you had people that encouraged you. Dana sounds like a treasure.
It just takes time to go through the grief process. My Mother passed 5 years ago and it has been a sruggle, with the first year being by far one of the worst years of my life. But friends and God were there with me. You will make it too.
This is a beautiful post and I appreciate how difficult it must have been to put it all out there. I’m really sorry for your loss.
What a lovely thank you to someone that provided such kind words at a time when you needed them the most. You are adored by so many, Kristen and I’m so happy to hear that your heart is healing. xo
Kristen, what a wonderful heartfelt post. So often in our lives we need a “Dana” to help us see the other side! I pray that we all be a Dana to someone at some time! Love and peace,
Aimee
… my brother died of cancer in Sept 09 and your post is one of the first I’ve read that speaks to the power of grief of losing a sibling (my other brother said we didn’t lose him – he will always be with us BUT that idea doesn’t always jive with how I’m feeling although I know he was just trying to make us all feel better. Additionally, in losing my brother, I also lost the rest of my family as they were before he died – we are all different now). I hope writing this has made as much of an impact on you as it made on me and is making on others. Thanks.
beautiful entry and a more beautiful heart and person you are. i’m so sorry for your loss but i’m glad you’re doing better now. you’re such a sweetheart <3
Oh friend <3 <3
We talked briefly about this in NOLA <3
You move people, you touch them, your heart is so big and others see that and are drawn to you and will respond to you in kind.
<3 <3 <3
Just when I thought I could not be any more proud of you..you do it again and again I adore you!
What a wonderful, honest and inspiring post. Months ago I came across a young woman purchasing gads of notecards from my work. She looked at me sheepishly and said, “It may seem old fashioned, but I write a letter to my grandmother every week.”
It sparked something and I found myself buying notecards and writing both my grandmothers every month since. I had just lost both grandfathers within the year and thought it was a great idea. To cope maybe.
So thank you for urging people to correspond through written word-it is so touching, caring and kind.
Speechless; this really touches the heart…. Love you loads!
That’s really sweet and kind of her – I can only hope (as can we all) that when I’m in a bad way, there will be a “Dana” to come along with the right words at the right time.
I know I don’t tell people often enough that they’re important to me, or that they’re just fantastic people in various regards. This is a reminder to start.
I always love your raw honesty and what a gift Dana and her note was for you.
Again, just one more unexpected pleasure of blogging………strangers lifting strangers!!
HUGS to you my sweet friend! xoxoxo
I’m so proud of you for speaking out about this. So many people don’t. I’m also happy you’re doing better. God bless your brother. Let him know if he ever wants some great sugar cookies he needs to visit my grandma, except, pick out the raisins. 😉
Phew. That’s tough to write a post like that. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been suffering. I always think of you as such a strong and inspiring woman who has it all. I guess you never realize what’s going on behind the scenes. I’m so glad to hear that you’re on the mend. It’s not easy to lose people we love. Thank God for supportive friends (and readers!) XO
BIG HUGS to you , Kristen <3 I agree that this is one of the most special things about this community — how we can support one another.
I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better now! I can’t imagine how difficult it was. Is. This is a beautiful, raw post.
Kristen, I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult time… the good news is, you have the support of the world to get you through it. Count on the people that mean most to you – – including each any everyone that you have met though blogging.
You ARE an inspiration to us all, keep in mind each of your good times xox
The most wonderful card I got after my brother Ian passed away, was from David’s parents’ best friends. They had met Ian exactly one time, at our wedding. Darlene wrote an entire card of her memories of Ian that wonderfully fun night, how fun he was to watch dance, how he swept every single girl on to the dance floor, how much fun it was to watch him with his family. I saved that card. It meant and still means so much to me that someone who barely knew him saw all the things I loved in him in one evening.
I have yet to understand why it’s not okay to just admit when we’re really sad or overwhelmed. I think we have all felt overwhelmed and depressed at some point in out lives and yet we so often feel like we have to tough it out on our own. We are all so much stronger when we have each other.
Very well said, and so true. What a sweet card from Dana. I lost my brother 8 years ago in a car accident, and I’m so thankful for all those around me that lifted me up when I couldn’t lift myself up. Where would we be without the love of others? I will pray for you, as I remember how hard the first few years are!
So glad you shared this with all of us. I, too, am thankful for the Dana’s in the world. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
I love your posts. I always leave feeling inspired. Thank you for always sharing. I know you’ve had a few bumps in the road, but you always come out on top. I look up to you-you are truly amazing. I am off to write a few thank you cards now.
The hardest part is wanting to pick up the phone to tell your brother something and realizing he is not here cos it always feels like they are just somewhere else or around the corner for so long after they are gone. I am a letter or card writer, they mean so much more than an sms or email. Thanks for what you do to inspire.
I lvoe your post …But I am sorry to hear about your brother…Thanks for sharing your post to us here…Great job!
Kristen, as always I leave here being so inspired by you. I so admire your honesty and strength.
Kristen, what wonderful friends you have! I am reading the responses to your post with tears in my eyes..what a wonderful community the blogging world is! I have gained strength just from reading these. I know you have, too.
Hugs! Just in case you need them.
You’re a strong woman, but sometimes we do need encouragement from others. I’ve been so encouraged at times and often forget to pass it on to others. Thanks for sharing, as always! xoxoxo
It was pleasure to discover this blog. Maybe you’d like to place a banner on my blogroll? How can I contact you on private?
aww Kristen ((hugs))
You got very nice blog graphic – is it custom made, or maybe some public template? Where can I download it from (if it’s possible)?